Ever since I saw The Other Boleyn Girl in 10th grade, I fell in love with the person that Anne Boleyn was. From then on she was my role model, and I kind of grew obsessed with her. I read infinite amount of books about her (both fictional and non-fictional), I’ve seen documentaries, I’ve read online articles and posts about her, and recently my university is doing a play about her which I am dying to see.
Lately I’ve been feeling as if I’m not living up to “Anne Boleyn” standards. Before I explain what I mean by that, let me first define what makes her an awesome role model. I know that a lot of people find Anne Boleyn to be an interesting role model, only because they see her in the sense that Henry VIII destroyed England’s religious ties with Catholicism…but let me remind you that it was Henry’s weakness that did that. To me, Anne Boleyn was a strong, independent woman who was ambitious, determined, and intelligent. She wanted what was best for her, and she rocked at doing it.She figured out the art of manipulation and figuring out how to get to point A to point B. She was determined to be the best and to get everything she deserved she should have.
And I feel like I understand her better than the average person. Ever wondered why she didn’t truly love Henry (one can see her as almost heartless, manipulative, materialistic, and using him for status) ? She was once in love with another Henry (Henry Percy to be exact) and they got married without consent of the king. They had to separate because their families got angry and refused to let them marry. In a historical sense, Anne and Henry Percy had a “true love” (for example when he had to condemn her as guilty in her trial, he actually fainted). She was forced to not be with the one who she loves, and I have been through that in my life…that and my love life is always shit. She figured she can’t be with the man she loves, but she can have something else to fill that gaping hole; a highly regarded position. Since the king valued her, wanting to become queen was a natural idea to her.
I used to see myself as an Anne Boleyn type of girl, but lately everything that she stands for is suppressed. Maybe it’s because I’m in “love” (now I’m kind of falling out of love so I am changing) and I have been tamed, but once I lose that I can easily see myself slip into what she went through. I’ve had enough bad tales with love that I can’t deal to love again, and I would ideally like to cover that hole with something that could be considered as more artificial. At least I know that things will never leave me like a potential person. I’ve gotten to the point where I know when I meet someone I will be shocked if they stay for a while; everybody leaves. I’ve stopped with the expectation of people staying with me long-term, and, to be honest, I’ve stopped caring.
I feel myself slipping into apathy because I hate feeling things; people just take my feelings for granted. I can’t deal with them on my own, so it’s just natural defense for me to shut everything out and pretend I don’t feel. Nobody told me life would be this rough.